


Stich 'n Bitch

by fangirlSevera



Series: Broverse [18]
Category: From Beyond (1986), Re-Animator (1985)
Genre: Christmas, Dysfunctional Family, Humor, Knitting, M/M, Twins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 12:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8979529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlSevera/pseuds/fangirlSevera
Summary: It's Christmas Eve! Crawford has a new hobby. The cookies are store-bought.  Gifts are exchanged. Herbert gets pissy.  
Welcome back to the Bro'verse!





	

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to 'Kaya of [FuckYeahJeffreyCombs.tumblr.com](http://fuckyeahjeffreycombs.tumblr.com) who is amazing and awesome for making the amazing and awesome illustrations! 
> 
> And a big thanks to the Jeffrey Combs fandom at large. You're all a delight and terrible enablers.

The doorbell rang just as Dan finished arranging mugs on the scuffed (and slightly stained, but perfectly sanitized!) coffee table. "Herbert!" He shouted in the direction of the cellar door, and stomped his foot twice on the old wooden floors. He was going to give Herbert five minutes before bodily dragging him up the stairs. In the meantime, he went to open the front door.

A rush of cold air greeted him first. An enthusiastic "Merry Christmas!" was second.

Dan returned Crawford's cheery greeting while hastening him and Bubba in from the winter air. A long creak and loud clang heralded Herbert's emergence from the lab.

"What. Is. That?" Herbert asked slowly, disgust choking every word.

"This?" Bubba replied, pointing to his hat. It was knitted in the general form of a green frog with bulging eyes, a smiling mouth, and little green forelegs coming down to touch the hat's folded brim where Bubba's name was stitched. "Crawford made it for me," he said with his endearing smile.

Herbert's nostrils flared.

Knitting was a hobby Crawford had obtained a couple months back. He said he had needed something to occupy himself while waiting for analytical computer programs to run. The top of Dan and Herbert’s refrigerator was smothered in potholders from Crawford’s preliminary attempts. His skills had clearly developed since even the haphazard scarves Bubba had been proudly sporting back in September.

"It's great!" Dan interrupted before Herbert could insult his brother's handiwork and by extension his brother's large boyfriend. "It's really great," Dan repeated, this time nodding to Crawford who was blushing, but pleased.

"I'm glad you think so." Crawford held out two wrapped packages. "Because I made you both sweaters!"

Herbert continued to stand there with his arms folded, eyes narrowed in contempt. So, Dan took both gifts, thanking Crawford. "Please, make yourselves comfortable," He said, setting the packages down and out of Herbert's immediate reach.

"Can't stay long," Bubba said, removing his coat, "my sister is expecting us for dinner."

"Small mercies," Herbert muttered, taking a seat. He poured himself some hot coffee and sniffed at a small molasses cookie.

Under his coat, Crawford was wearing another one of his own creations. The sweater was navy blue, dotted with white; like snow falling on the ice-skating penguin on the front. Frankly, it was adorable. "No sweater for you?" Dan asked Bubba who was sporting a plain turtleneck.

"It's not finished," Crawford admitted, grabbing a handful of gingerbread men. "He requires a lot of yarn."

Bubba laughed and ruffled Crawford's hair. Herbert sighed loudly, rolling his eyes.

Dan went ahead and opened his. The sweater was red with a big green stocking on the front. A black kitten and a candy cane were peeking out from the white, fuzzy cuff that had "NICE" written across it in black lettering. The kitten gave Dan a slight pang. Sometimes he would think about getting another cat. But that just wasn't the best idea when living with Herbert. Not that Dan believed Herbert would intentionally harm a pet... But, given what happens when something unfortunate does befall one, and other risks, Dan had resigned himself to err on the side of caution.

It was hardly a design that Dan could picture ever wearing out of the house. But, the material was soft, and Dan imagined it would be quite warm. Crawford clearly spent some time and care on it, and what the hell; it was Christmas. Dan removed the old Misk U sweater he had been wearing and pulled on his new one. It was a perfect fit, too.

“So, you like it?” Crawford asked, nibbling and the leg of another gingerbread man.

“It’s great! How do I look?”

Bubba gave Dan a thumbs up. “You look ridiculous,” Herbert said.

“Go on, short stack, open yours.” Bubba tossed the other package at Herbert.

Herbert dug his nails into the wrapping paper like he just wanted to shred it and its contents with his bare hands. His eyes flicked over to the lit fireplace. He would have done it, too, if Bubba wasn’t there. But his size, and position as a law enforcer both fueled Herbert’s ire towards him, and forced him to be on better behavior in his presence.

“Come on, Herbert,” Dan tried coaxing. “Like a Band-Aid.”

Herbert pursed his lips, and ripped the paper open. He didn’t take the sweater out completely, just taking enough wrapping off to reveal the color and most of the design. It was a bright, practically glowing green. The pattern across the middle looked like rows of white, traditional Nordic snowflakes and trees.

Since Herbert just sat there, blinking at the material in his lap, Dan moved over to get a closer look. That’s when he noticed the trees were oddly shaped; almost like they’re weren’t trees at all. “Are those… Syringes?”

“Yes!” Crawford confirmed. His grin fell a bit, going nervous when he told his brother, “I thought you’d appreciate that.”

Herbert’s mouth twitched. “At least it’s not covered in teddy bears.” He tossed it on the table, jostling the coffee mugs.

Dan snatched it up before anything could spill on it. “They’re very nice,” he assured Crawford. “Great details.”

“Crawford is awfully good with his hands,” Bubba said in a way that made Herbert choke on his drink. Herbert scrunched his nose like he always did when a new nurse would try flirting with Dan. His eyes flicked between the half-opened gift and the fireplace again.

Dan moved Herbert’s sweater further away, placing it under the tree for safekeeping while at the same time taking the presents he bought for Crawford and Bubba (although he put Herbert’s name on the tag, too, against his wishes). It also allowed him to double-check that there was nothing moving in the Christmas tree. No re-animated parts had appeared so far, but Christmas wasn’t over yet.

“Aw, docs, you shouldn't have,” Bubba said, accepting the oblong box from Dan.

“We really shouldn’t,” Herbert muttered, glaring at Dan.

Crawford made a high-pitched, happy noise when he tore off the snowflake wrapping and discovered a VHS of _Tron_ underneath. He shoved it at Bubba, declaring he was going to make him watch it as soon as possible.

“Computer geek,” Bubba called him affectionately. He opened his gift next. It looked like an ordinary football, but as he examined it closer, he whistled. “Tony Eason? Where’d you get this?”

Dan shrugged. “Local pawn shop. I think his performance in the last Super Bowl made some people give up their memorabilia. But if not for him they never would have made it there in the first place, you know.”

“Fair-weather fans.” Bubba shook his head.

Dan noticed the looks that passed between Herbert and Crawford. If there was one thing that could bring them together, is their shared dismay of having their significant others discuss sports in their presence.

Crawford nudged Bubba with his elbow, distracting him away from the current conversation. “Your coat pocket,” he said enigmatically.

“Oh, yeah.” Bubba got up to take two small, square boxes, about the size of a jewelry box out of his coat. “I tried to come up with something to get you, docs, but you’re not easy guys to shop for. I came up with something, though.”

Herbert took the box from Bubba’s hand like it was going to bite him. Slowly, he cracked the lid open. “ Very funny,” he said sardonically, tossing the box on the table and crossing his arms. Clearly Bubba thought it was indeed very funny. Crawford smiled uncertainly. Not knowing what the present was.

Dan picked the box up and opened it. Inside was a small orange card. It was a “Get Out of Jail Free” card from _Monopoly_. “Figured it was something you could use, Little Doc,” Bubba said, between chuckles.

Dan couldn’t help snickering, himself. That was the last straw for Herbert who stood in a huff. He stomped out of the room and up the stairs, taking his mug and a handful of cookies with him.

“Oh, dear.” Crawford stared after him. “I don’t think he appreciated the joke.” He pursed his lips at Bubba, displeased with the prank. Crawford took Christmas seriously as a time for nothing less than sincere, glad tidings.

At Crawford’s reproachful look, Bubba’s mirth dampened into chagrin. He cleared his throat. “Go ahead and open yours, Dan.” He waved the other box at him.

Dan lifted the lid and frowned in confusion. Inside was just an index card with handwriting on it. “It’s a recipe?”

“Yup! Grandma Buford’s Secret Chili recipe. I’ve eaten here, and I’m sorry to say, doc, you need to upgrade your food.”

“‘Secret’ recipe?”

Bubba shrugged. “It’s suppose to be only given to family members. And, well, you count.”

Crawford’s eyes went huge and shining. “That’s beautiful!” He flung himself into Bubba’s lap for a lingering embrace.

A little too lingering. Dan was starting to feel awkward. Thankfully Bubba managed to check his watch over Crawford’s head and declared it was time to go in order to make it to his sister’s on time.

Crawford finished putting on his coat and scarf before giving Dan a hug and thanks for the evening. “Merry Christmas, Herbert!” He shouted up the stairs.

“I hope you freeze to death!” was shouted back.

Bubba laughed, pulling his frog hat back on his head. “Have a good one, doc.” He patted Dan’s shoulder, chuckling his way out the door.

Dan cleared away the dishes and leftover cookies. He picked-up Herbert’s sweater, deciding to hide it away, saving it from an inevitable, fiery demise.

Herbert was in his own bedroom when Dan reached the second floor. It allowed him to go unseen and tuck the sweater away in the bottom of the dresser under some well worn jeans. Proof that it was a good hiding place was that the present Dan had placed there weeks ago had gone undisturbed. He removed it now and crossed the hall.

He knocked on Herbert's half-open door out of courtesy, but did not wait for an invitation to enter. Herbert was sitting against the headboard, book open in his lap. Cookie crumbs dotted the pages. “I hope you banned them from the property,” he said without looking up.

“You know I didn't.”

“That cop is a menace.”

Dan climbed on the bed, shuffling over to Herbert’s side. “Here, maybe this will make up for his little joke.” Dan set present on top of the book..

Herbert blinked up at him. “I didn't get you anything,” he stated

Dan shrugged one shoulder. “You never do.”

Herbert unwrapped it, tossing the paper over the side of the bed. “New dissection tools.” Herbert’s lips twitched into a smile. “Mine were getting dull.”

“I noticed.” Dan grinned, pleased that Herbert was pleased. “Do I get a kiss?”

Herbert huffed, but nodded. Herbert tasted sweet and warm from the coffee and cookies he had been eating. Dan cupped the back of Herbert’s head, pressing closer, wanting more.

“I _was_ reading,” Herbert complained when Dan parted for breath. “Also, that sweater is hardly a turn-on.”

Dan couldn't have removed it faster had it been on fire. “Okay?” He asked

Herbert set his book aside, took off his glasses, and gave Dan a fond look. “Okay.”

* * *

 

It was mid-January. The bitter cold and mounds of snow lost any their charm in the bleak, post-holiday slump. Dan had to shed three layers of clothing after running his errand before heading down to the lab.

Cardboard box in both hands, he shouldered open the door. “Say what you will about America; thirteen bucks still gets you a hell of a lot of mice.” He nearly dropped his supply of rodents when he laid eyes on Herbert.

Herbert straightened from scribbling notes. “Stop smiling. It gets very cold down here, that’s all.” He hastily shoved the sleeves back down his arms.

Dan didn’t stop smiling. “You look very fetching. Green really is your color.”

Herbert glowered. “Plus, I won’t care if it gets stained or burned.”

Dan put the box down and moved closer. “Aw, you like it!”

“It’s convenient is all,” he protested, tugging on the hem.

“And cuddly?” Dan sidled up behind him.

“I hardly- What are you-”

Dan wrapped his arms around Herbert and pulled him into a snug embrace. “Yes, very cuddly!” Dan confirmed with delight.

Herbert squirmed. “Daaaaaaaan!”

**Author's Note:**

> The "Hell of a lot of mice" line comes from Arrested Development. When I needed Dan coming into the lab carrying something, for some reason that scene came to mind. 
> 
> This is also my first fic in nearly a year. There were some mental health issues plaguing me this past year which pretty much abolished my creativity. Being able to write this has been a huge step/success. Thank you for taking the time to read it. I hope that it made your holidays at least a little bit happy.


End file.
